'Just don't go back to old patterns,' my dietician reiterates on Thursday morning when I see her after a progressive intermission of almost a year and a half. I've returned from the UK and she is apparently 'pleasantly surprised to see I do not weigh 100 kg like most of the girls that take gap years.' I've lost a 1/3rd of my body fat she tells me. I'm now 23% or whatever the index is. Model Leanne Liebenberg's is 25, but as Nicole (the dietician) explains hers is in all the right places. Whereas I am a not so attractive, poisoned apple.
Revolt against this revolting revolution.
Rebel against this ridiculousness.
Really just ignore my retard rhymes.
In the beginning of February 2007, I attempted suicide- in reflection the inevitable outcome of 3 years spent in a deep depression inextricably linked with compulsive over-eating and some intermittent purging in the form of restricted eating. Post-suicide attempt I went into a clinic for a few months and then less than 2 months later I uprooted to London intending to stay there for a few months. This extended as I began studying; however I have now returned home and whilst by no means would I have said I was perfect in London, I had lost a substantial amount of weight and was not completely agoraphobic like I had been.
I've been back for a week and a half now and whilst the first few days were busy and I would say I was doing well, I now find myself slipping back into the habits that landed me in the unhappy situation I was in before. I will state this as definitely as I can on paper: I will not live a life being fat and I will not be unhappy all the time anymore (not for anyone, including my mother).
The cure and prevention of these are the choices I make and the level of responsibility I am willing to take for myself. For my 20-year-old self.
I have never said this before, but: I am not my mother or anyone else in my family; I do not have that type of personality. I am far more A-type. I am not a fat person inside. I have let myself believe I don't believe I don't have will power like everyone else. Or maybe I don't. But I'm simply not prepared to be the type of person who can't be thin or say no to food. I won't be that.
Sitting in front of the TV with my parents tonight, eating- I said (sarcastically), 'Ahh, this reminds me of happy times gone by.' And my father- surprisingly, but encouragingly- responded, 'no this is nothing like that... You have come so far.'
I hope that is true. I hope I have grown up. And I do have one secret weapon on my side- although I did get to my fattest with that in my arsenal, so who knows.
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